All You Need Is Love?

My (Amanda's) opinions on adoption started when I was really young, maybe ten or twelve. I had read a series of books by a Canadian author named Kit Pearson about children who were sent from Britain to Canada during the Second World War and were fostered with Canadian families for their safety. During the war some of these children's families died and their Canadian foster families decided to adopt them and they never went back to Britain. This was my first exposure to the concept of adoption and I remembered being so moved by the love these Canadian families gave to these orphaned children. I remember going to my Dad and asking him if he would ever consider adoption and receiving not quite the positive response I was expecting. I also remember thinking, "Well, you're clearly wrong," and deciding that adoption was the most Christian thing we could ever do. 

I remember when I started dating Craig, being on a bus in Northern Ireland on our way to Dublin to visit my family there. I brought up adoption and asked if he had ever thought about it. He was completely spooked by my question and stumbled some answer that I can't remember, but was probably thinking in his head that he had one of those overly-clingy girlfriends who was already planning the wedding and their 2.5 kids. He probably thought he should ditch me then and there. Thankfully, he didn't. 

I remember struggling with infertility and feeling like a failure as a woman. I was unable to do the one thing that biologically women are designed to do and just wallowing in these feelings of uselessness. I remember mentally screaming at God, "What is my purpose if I can't have kids???" God was so gracious during that period as he very gently brought me to the realisation that my self-worth comes from my identity in Him not in my ability to have children (if you read my blog post on my experience with burnout, you will have noticed that I forgot this lesson of identity in Christ and God needed to re-teach it to me once again). He also reaffirmed to me that I would one day be a mother and my thoughts then moved to adoption once again. I had no problems with the concept of adopting, mainly because of that book series I read in childhood, and the thought of loving something that was not mine biologically didn't phase me one bit. I felt I had so much love to give and someone somewhere needed it. Craig had a different path to embracing adoption from that bus in Northern Ireland to becoming an adoptive father, and that's his story to share, but he now feels very passionate about the role of the church in facilitating and supporting adoption. We are adopted by God, so why should we not adopt others? 

I remember doing some research into adoption ethics and being confronted, for the first time, with the fact that a child might be better with their birth family living in poverty in the middle of the jungle, than with me, who has so much love to give and more resources to share. I remember feeling that it was unfair to all the infertile mothers who could do such a better job than some other ones and provide such better opportunities to children to not give them the chance. I remember having to work through a lot internally to accept that family restoration is best and adoption should be second best; recognising that my previous attitude was driven by my own hurt and suffering and not what was actually best for anybody. 

I remember meeting a married, Christian man who was unable to have children as well. We had just adopted Sam, and he was very much still in the baby phase and I lived constantly between the emotional highs and lows of new motherhood, but was absolutely over-the-moon with my new son. This man explained how adoption in the States tended to lean towards accepting children with special needs, whether that be physical, emotional or mental, and that he and his wife decided that they did not want to do that. I remember holding my son and thinking, "Who wouldn't chose this?" And yes, I wrongfully, internally, judged him. I thought, "Aren't we called to take care of the orphans among us if we can?" I mean, even if one can have children biologically, you can't guarantee that they are born healthy or 'normal'. That's just life. 

I now look back at all these memories on our adoption journey and feel really conflicted. I would absolutely, 100% do it again. I would make the same choices and Sam would be exactly where he is; with us. However, I also look back and think about how naive I was. I had this idea of what adoption was and it's not that my idea or conception of adoption was wrong, it's that adoption is a lot more complex than I thought. And whenever an issue becomes complex, having dogmatic statements or beliefs about it doesn't really work any more. I naively thought that enough love would fix any problems. Well, Craig and I are watching a video series from Texas Christian University's Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development, which explicitly states that for children from hard places (adopted, fostered, institutionalised, etc.) love is most definitely not enough. I learnt about the psychological concept of the 'good enough' parent; no one is perfect but parents just have to be 'good enough' to raise children. I naively thought that this concept could apply to me. Well, this video series again says that when dealing with adopted, fostered, etc, children you can't just be 'good enough', you have to be better than 'good enough'... way to pile on the pressure. 

Children like Sam, simply put, live with trauma. For whatever reason, they didn't receive the necessary affection and security they needed in their early life to develop normally. They learnt how to survive on their own and their brain is literally wired differently because of this. They have control issues, they have self-regulating issues, they have emotional mood swings, they have trouble understanding cause and effect, and they do not respond to traditional parenting because they already live in fear. They constantly fear that the affection they are now receiving might not be there one day. Some of them develop sensory input issues, a lot express their fear through anger and aggression and would rather be angry than calm, because being calm means a loss of control of the situation or letting their guard down. This is my child and I am so thankful that we now know why.

The video series calls these children "children from hard places", and I love how the definition is so inclusive and most definitely includes Sam. Watching the video series makes me really emotional because I see other kids acting out and doing the exact same things that Sam does and I don't feel so alone, and I know he is also not alone. 

We are right now discovering all this and seeking to make the necessary changes in our parenting style. It is an extremely sanctifying process, because you now don't have room to deal with your own baggage/tiredness/stress in a way that affects your child at all. The amount of patience needed is extreme and we are realising that we have to pray AT ALL TIMES; every time he has a meltdown, gets frustrated and we need to deal with it in our 'new' way, we have to pray, because the 'new' way does not come naturally and it definitely was not how I was parented, so I have no model to relate to. 

It also makes me miss my family a lot. We have made friends here who have been really supportive, and even introduced us to the resources we are using now. But I am struggling with feelings of guilt as I deprive my child of further unconditional love and support by living so far away from our family. I know that if Sam were playing with his cousin and had an outburst, that he and I would be safe from stares and judgement in the person of my sister. That she loves him regardless of his struggles and how that manifests in his life. I am struggling to let go of the desire to justify my son to everyone and say, "This is why he's like this!" I mean, this whole blog post could be construed as me continuing to justify my son to the world (though I think it's more than that). I want to get to the point where I am free from the fear of the people looking on and wondering, "Why?" as they observe him. Maybe I'll get there one day. Because I do also know that my kid is awesome! He has such a big heart. Yesterday, I was lying in bed having a rest and he brought his blankets from his room so I could be more comfortable. He constantly lists all the things that he loves and is always wanting to help. 

Overall, my opinion on adoption is generally the same, though a lot more complex as well. I am no longer naive in this process, but down in the trenches and I am happy to be there. I can say I still believe and am passionate about adoption, I believe in family restoration first and adoption second, and I believe in the importance of the role of the church in cultivating an atmosphere where adoption is encouraging and facilitated. However, I would now say that adoption is not for everyone and you should have a good long look at your life and character before considering it, and that everyone has the right to make that decision. And I most definitely agree with my Dad when he said all those years ago that he wouldn't adopt; probably a good call there. But thank you for raising me to be someone who could.

Here is Sam in traditional cochabambino dress at a recent
school event.

Prayer Points

• Last month we mentioned the impending visit of Joel Likins, from Ohio. We had a great time with Joel, getting to know him a lot better, and taking him to one of our favourite places in this area: Refugio Los Volcanes. He was a happy man.
• We were also visited by a former colleague of Craig's from Scotland, Steve Begarnie. Steve taught Biology at West Calder High School, Craig's last teaching stint before we came to Bolivia. He was here to visit a local school as well as tour this great country.
• Last month, Amanda also wrote in detail about the very sad recent passing of Edwin Fernández. Langham HQ were determined that the initial plans in Santa Cruz be realised, and we were blessed last weekend by the visit of Latin American director Igor Améstegui and national worker Freddy Huanca. They led a training course for future escuelita leaders here in Santa Cruz. From nothing, there are now up to 12 new preaching groups in the pipeline! There will be a 'Level 1' three-day workshop for all of the new groups in mid-September. Pray for the preparations for that event, in which Craig will be involved, and particularly for prayerful selection of new participants.
• We continue to see great blessing in the church. At the end of May we held a big churrasco (essentially an industrial-strength Bolivian barbecue) and it was great to see most of the church stay around for it after the service. In terms of preaching, Craig has recently begun a series in the Ten Commandments, which has been well received so far. And Amanda is part of a team looking to relaunch the children's ministry. Lots of exciting things to give thanks for.
• Pray for guidance from the Lord as we weigh up Sam's future educational options. He loves the nursery he attends now, which provides him with a full-scale pre-kindergarten programme, and we are delighted with the teaching and care he gets there. However, we have some big decisions to make as to his longer-term future.
• Finally, we are just a month away now from the arrival of a team from Mount Albert Bible Chapel in Ontario, who will be accompanying us as we travel back to...Trinidad! This was a longstanding engagement with a church we know well, planned some time before Craig got the nod for the Trinity pastorate. The church have very kindly allowed us to honour this commitment. Please pray for the visit of this team, who will be involved in children's ministry and other tasks around Fundación Totaí and the church.

Finally, some illustrative pictures:

The view from the top of an amazing climb with Joel Likins, at Refugio.

Saying cheerio to Steve Begarnie at the airport. 

Igor in action at the Santa Cruz escuelita coordinators' workshop.

Craig with Igor. The toppermost of top blokes.

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig & Amanda