Saturday Post - 11/06/16

I (Amanda) have never really fasted before. I think I tried it once when I was younger and I got to lunch time and decided that the hunger headache I had constituted a medical emergency.  I thought that I must be one of those people who just couldn't fast; it was just too dangerous. My parents never did it, my church tradition generally didn't do it, and it wasn't until I became exposed to other denominations and met various other Christian at University that I realised that fasting is something people really still did. I never really understood it though; I guess I understood that it was supposed to be a spiritual experience because one became more dependent on God in their hunger, but it was all conceptual to me. 

However, about two weeks ago I started a daily devotional on YouVersion about Easter and Lent (I know, I'm late) and the first day dealt with the concept of fasting. It highlighted that fasting is not about reaching a target, it's not about saying, "I did it" or "Done!" at the end of it, and it also doesn't work like a magic wand to become more spiritual; you don't get to reach a new step in your relationship with God just by completing the fast. The word that they used and which touched my heart is 'sojourn'. A fast is a sojourn with God. It's not about the destination, it's not about doing it perfectly, it's about an opportunity to journey with God. And when I read that I thought, "That sounds wonderful. I would really love to journey with God. I feel like I haven't gone anywhere with God in a while." And it has been wonderful. I believe there is a Kearon gene that turns us into bears when we don't eat, plus I was adamant that I physically couldn't get up with Sam so early if I couldn't eat, so I decided to give something else up and it really has been wonderful. Think about the word 'sojourn' and then think about how much you would love to journey with God for a while. Don't worry about doing it right, or getting it perfect. It doesn't matter if you mess up or skip some days, just get excited about going on the sojourn with God.

The timing of this has been interesting in our lives. Sam is sick again. Children here get sick all the time. However, I am told that children everywhere get sick all the time, so maybe Sam doesn't get sick more than other children. or maybe he does. I honestly have nothing to compare him to. The weather has been low the last three weeks or so. By low, I mean 16-22 degrees Celsius. For most people back home that means shorts and T-shirt weather, but for people here who are used to 30 degrees, well essentially the world is ending just now.  It affects everything; our patient numbers at the Foundation are down, no one can get laundry done so people run out of clothes, even my very Canadian self is sleeping under a mountain of blankets at night. And, of course, all the children get sick. The cold here is a damp cold, more like Scotland than Canada. And the cold damp gets into the children's lungs and does evil things. Sam, on top of just experiencing this evil, also has weaker lungs from having been born premature, so one day he could be fine and the next day his lungs are closing up and he is struggling to breathe. It happens so fast it is unbelievable and watching it happen just breaks my heart. So here we are again with his inhaler and steroids, fighting to get his lungs to open up. The paediatrician said it wasn't an overly serious case and we didn't have to worry about admitting him to hospital, which was an encouragement. Our GP in the mornings at the Foundation had his six-month-old baby admitted for the same thing last week because he became cyanotic really fast despite his medication. So, I'm sojourning with God while dealing with one of my biggest struggles.

Some might remember that Sam came to us sick. He had some type of intestinal infection and was struggling with this lungs at the same time, and he was kind of dropped in our laps like; I was a wreck that first week or so. The experience was so traumatic that it triggered my own anxiety disorder and now my anxiety spikes as a conditioned response to coughing. It's so extreme that it doesn't even have to be Sam coughing, it can be anyone. I can be at work and not even in the same building as Sam and my anxiety will spike. Sometimes I'll be two rooms over and I can still hear it, "Someone, somewhere is coughing." Except for Craig whose coughing seems to still elicit a different response from me, "Just rub some dirt in it. You'll be fine." 

My friend told me about her experience with phantom crying with her firstborn; well, I have phantom coughing. I am permanently angry at all the dogs, including ours, in the neighbourhood who make me unnecessarily anxious when I confuse their barks with coughing. We had a youth group planning meeting at our house this past Tuesday night and one of the couples brought their three year old son, and he spent the whole night coughing. Sam was in bed and he hadn't fallen sick yet so I wasn't overwrought, but I spent the night amazed at how calm his parents were. They had given him his medicine and realised there was nothing else they could do about it just now, so they didn't worry. 

I have an anxiety problem when it comes to Sam being sick. Some days my anxiety is so bad that I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with one more episode like this, and think I might not be able to go on. I pray for Sam's recovery not for his sake, but for mine. And sometimes I fear him; I fear walking into his room at night because I don't want to have to deal with and process a new wave of fear upon seeing him possibly worse.

I've not had my normal coping mechanism with me this time either, because I gave it up a couple of weeks ago. I thought saying to God, "Sorry, we have to interrupt our sojourn because my son is sick and I need my coping mechanism back to get through it", would defeat the whole point of the exercise, although there was temptation there. However, through my sojourn and struggles with heightened, and what sometimes feels like debilitating anxiety, God has taught me about grace. Sunday school definition of grace = God giving us what we don't deserve; I had that down pat. I could also identify grace in my life. I could look at a situation and say that I survived it only through God's grace. But I was struggling with knowing what grace was. I knew I received it undeservedly, but what was "it"? I would have defined grace in my life as the ability to reach the end of the day, but that didn't sound quite theological enough. So, as everyone does in my generation, I googled it - "Biblical definition of grace". Craig has spent a pretty penny over the years on Bible study resources for teaching and prepping sermons, which I have full access to, but I chose to google it. And right at the top of Google in a highlighted box it said, "God's unmerited favour". Oh...the word I've been looking for is favour. And it all made sense. And God shows me his unmerited favour because God is innately good.

I've been trying to figure out how to get better; how to deal with a sick Sam better than I am coping right now. And through a conversation with my sister, I realised I don't have to get better. I need to accept who I am. She was telling me that in her Mommy Group all the moms commented on how they were unprepared for the levels of anxiety they experienced as first time moms. So, she said anxiety is normal with a firstborn and then this normal anxiety is triggering my anxiety disorder and amplifying it, which also makes sense in my case. So, I don't have to do better, or get better, I need to accept the situation for what it is and learn how to cope, to live through the anxiety. My anxiety is something that I had learned to accept as my thorn in the flesh a long time ago, but I hadn't connected it with dealing with Sam's struggles until now. So my epiphany went something like this: 1) I have an anxiety disorder and have had it for the last 15 years; it is not going away. 2) I love my son and he has weak lungs; these attacks are not going away any time soon. 3) I therefore have to endure the two of them together, because I neither want to run away from or ignore the situation. 4) And I do this through God's grace: His unmerited favour upon me which gives me all I need to get to the end of another day, another episode, and which will carry me through the storm when it all starts all over again.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Prayer

• As mentioned last weekend, a new medical volunteer, Taylor, arrived today. Pray for God's blessing over her six weeks in Trinidad.
• Keep Sam in your prayers as he deals with his illness.
• We're due to attend a missions conference organised by a seminary in Santa Cruz next weekend (and may not be blogging as a result!). The event (which is free) is being widely promoted in our own church, and we're hoping that many of our own members would turn up and have the opportunity to think about what God is doing beyond the confines of Trinidad.

Praise

• We had some mildly encouraging news with regard to the adoption situation this week, learning that one of the three required reports had been submitted to the judge. Pray that the other two reports would be submitted as quickly as possible; our lawyer has indicated that we might have to wait until July for the adoption to be finalised.
• The men's and women's ministries continue every second Sunday, and last weekend saw the women begin a new study on the life of David, with our house packed out for it. The men's numbers aren't quite as high, but there is a committed group coming along every couple of weekends.

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig & Amanda