Saturday Post -- 17/10/15

“Those who honour me I will honour…” 

"Nice guys finish last," so we're told. As Amanda and I reflect on the truly remarkable week just past, our proverbial mantelpiece may be lacking a shining gold trophy, but to say that playing by the rules has hurt us would be to completely misconstrue recent events.

With Andrew and Ruth in tow, we arrived home from the marriage course’s fifth session on Friday evening to a litany of missed calls from a friend of ours in Trinidad. We made contact, and it turned out that he had a work colleague who knew of a woman in Santa Cruz who was close to giving birth to her fourth child, but who could not afford to raise her and so, with the apparent blessing of her partner, she had decided to give the child up for adoption to a family with greater means. On Saturday, we made contact with the intermediary to register our interest, and also to state our own requirements: namely, that the paperwork be done in Trinidad, not in Santa Cruz.

On Sunday evening, following the marriage course’s conclusion, we learned that the woman had, in fact, given birth on Saturday, to a baby girl, and wished to make contact with us. We called her directly this time and explained those terms again, making it clear that we would be happy to put her and her partner up in Trinidad, and deal with their transport costs. The mother was keen to sort things out as soon as possible, even requesting that we get to the hospital in time for her discharge so that she wouldn’t have to deal with the emotional turmoil of taking a soon-to-be-adopted baby home to her other children. She was initially reluctant to make the trip to Trinidad, but said she and her partner would probably be able to manage by the end of the week. We immediately felt that we were best taking the car there, so as to drive them to Trinidad ourselves.

So, our plans for the week – and those of Andrew and Ruth – changed immediately. Of course they did. This is Bolivia. They were due to be in Trinidad until yesterday, when they would fly to La Paz. However, it became clear that we would all need to make the trip to Santa Cruz, and we could change their travel plans once we arrived in the big smoke. Monday, then, was largely spent quickly tying up loose ends in Trinidad while preparing to travel. Following a scheduled meeting with pastors and leaders in town on Monday evening to promote the marriage course, we set off directly for the bus station, where Amanda and Ruth took an overnight coach to Santa Cruz, with Andrew and I planning on setting off early on Tuesday morning in our car (a not uneventful voyage, by the way; see prayer points for more). The goal for Amanda and Ruth was to be ready to head to the hospital in time for the mother's release later on Tuesday.

Girls on tour.

On a route largely lacking in decent telecommunications reception, I was finally able to make contact with Amanda at a service station halfway on the journey, where Andrew and I had stopped to fill up both ourselves and the car. She had arrived several hours earlier with Ruth, and was positive as to the general direction of things. 

But a few minutes later, she was to receive a message that set the tone for the rest of that strangest of Tuesdays. The father got in touch via Whatsapp and informed Amanda that he had indeed consented to the adoption some months ago, but under false pretences. His partner had lied to him, telling him that a brain tumour had been detected in the ultrasound scans, and they had thus agreed that it was better for the child to go to a family who could afford the necessary care. He arrived at the hospital over the weekend only to find a perfectly healthy baby girl, and immediately felt utterly duped. To his great credit, he told Amanda in his message that he would honour his partner’s word to us, but not without great sadness. 

Looking back with the benefit of a few days’ hindsight, it was from this moment on that we began to understand the unavoidable: this adoption, if it happened, would always be tinged with great regret over the mother’s deception, and the father’s lack of emotional blessing, despite legal approval. 

As this news came through, we were a few hundred miles apart, but we both instinctively realised that, no matter how strong our desires for a child, the rules of the game had just changed completely. And so, though we were perfectly within our rights to say, “Your marital issues are not our problem – deal with it,” we decided to do the right thing by offering to step out of the situation completely. The parents responded to Amanda, saying that they would have a final decision by mid-afternoon.

I was able to re-establish contact with Amanda as we got closer to Santa Cruz over the course of the afternoon. About 4pm, with an hour or so till arrival, Amanda called to say that she had the girl at the hotel, the father and mother having left her with Amanda and Ruth, with the intention of signing the requisite papers in due course. Yet, in truth, nothing had really changed. Both parents were in tears, and the father was particularly distraught. Amanda asked them again and again if they were sure about this and they confirmed their consent, though with obvious reluctance. They left within half an hour, but not before Amanda had told them that, ultimately, she was their daughter, and that we would accept if they changed their minds before any papers were to be signed.

Andrew and I finally arrived at the hotel just after 5pm and as Amanda went over the day’s events in greater detail, our hearts were heavy. Indeed what had happened was not our fault. Yet we stood to profit from a gross deception. As a man, my overriding desire at this moment was to show solidarity with the hoodwinked father; would taking his child without his emotional accord really achieve this?

And so, for the first time, I made contact myself with the woman (we didn’t have a number for her partner), to reiterate what Amanda had already communicated. I said that, much as we desired to adopt a child, we certainly did not wish to deprive a family of their new-born daughter if they wanted her; it was more important for us, I said, to do the right thing.

The girl herself, by the way, was obviously a precious little thing. But during this time, if I’m honest, neither of us fully ‘committed’ to her, emotionally. It was almost as if, in our heart of hearts, we knew where this was going.

Sure enough, after returning from an impromptu supermarket run for nappies, a message awaited me on my phone. The woman told us that her partner had gone home ahead of her after leaving the hotel, packed up his belongings, and left a note saying that he had had enough of her nonsense. 

No conversation was necessary. This was confirmation writ large, and we knew exactly what to do. Amanda immediately called the mother and arranged for her to come and get the baby.

At around 10:30pm, as two would-be parents carried a new-born baby to the entrance of a luxury hotel where her mother was waiting with eagerness, this most unusual day came to a most unusual end. 24 hours earlier, if you had told us we were about to suffer such a reversal, we would have stayed put in Trinidad rather than face such galling disappointment. Yet here’s the surprising thing: bearing in mind the awful domestic situation in which we had unwittingly found ourselves entangled, by close of play on Tuesday night, we felt utterly relieved. In unburdening ourselves of the baby, we had divested ourselves of a creeping sense of doubt that would not have ceased to haunt us until our dying day.

Which is why we were able to get our soundest sleep for weeks that night, and wake up the next day not feeling resentful, but refreshed, relaxed, and thankful to God for providing a way out of this messiest of domestic situations.

Indeed, my only real disappointment was not being able to say more to the mother on the Tuesday evening. I had wondered about using the ‘handover’ (the first time I actually met her face to face) as an opportunity not to settle scores in any way, but to simply share with her the importance of honesty in this life, and to urge her to see the events of the day as a lesson in the damage that lies can wreak. This would not have been vindictive, simply counsel to a young woman four years my junior. In the end, her aunt accompanied her to the hotel, and so I didn’t feel the moment was appropriate. Though we were relieved to have been relieved, we dearly wished that lessons would be learned.  

Late on Wednesday night, we returned to the hotel after our final meal with Andrew and Ruth (who had re-arranged to fly to La Paz a day earlier, on Thursday lunchtime), with a text message awaiting us (we’re getting into something of a rhythm with these late-night-important-text-messages). The father, now back home with his family, had gotten in touch to say how sorry he was for any pain we might be feeling, and how deeply impressed he and his partner were by our attitude over the past few days. He went on to say that, while they would understand completely if we wished nothing to do with the family ever again, they would like us to at least consider becoming the girl’s godparents. He closed by telling us the name they had settled on for their little girl:

Amanda.

Many couples in our situation would not have put up with such games, and would have had every right to demand that the word of these parents be honoured. I say this not to draw attention to ourselves, but to a crude Roman execution device atop a hill outside Jerusalem. It was there two millennia ago that we, the worst of sinners, were saved by an act of amazing grace, and it is this grace alone that empowers us, and other believers, to give others the second chance they most certainly do not deserve, though the very thought is at times an offence to every fibre of our being.

In short, I shudder to think what I would be were I not among the purchased, and I have no idea how I would have gotten through the last few days so relatively unscathed. Call it boasting if you like, but at such times, I love being a Christian. 

Furthermore, I love that my wife is, in reality, a sister. How grateful we are today that we were both given the grace to instinctively make the right calls when required on Tuesday, and that we did so with one voice. What a privilege to know that this week was not in vain. What an honour to be able to jointly share Christ with this humble family over the years to come. 

I have never been prouder to be a member of team Cramandaham. And I have never been more in awe of our great God.

But we never can prove the delights of his love

Until all on the altar we lay;

For the favour he shows, and the joy he bestows,

Are for them who will trust and obey.

Prayer

• Whisper it, but in the last day or two we have been given indications of a possible turnaround in the adoption we mentioned here last month. We would welcome your prayers here.
• Please pray for Andrew and Ruth, who certainly cannot complain that they didn’t get an insight into the turbulence of Bolivian/missionary life during their time with us! They are heading up to Lake Titicaca this weekend from La Paz, before some more sightseeing and relaxation in Peru in the following two weeks.
• Though it now feels like an eternity ago, the marriage course did indeed come to a conclusion on Sunday. Please pray for all the couples involved, especially those who are not yet Christians.
• Pray for safety for ourselves as we travel back to Trinidad by road today.
• Pray for energy as we return to deal with various issues in the church, not least the youth camp, which starts a week on Friday.

Praise

• Give thanks for how well everything went at the marriage course, and for the tremendous feedback we’ve had from the couples involved, who left feeling challenged, yet equipped in moving forward.

No course in Bolivia is complete without the obligatory certificates. Here,
Andrew & Ruth furnish a happy couple with theirs.

• There was a great response to Andrew and Ruth’s meeting with the local pastors and leaders on Monday (Holy Trinity Brompton had requested that they seek to promote the course while here). Please pray that we might see more fruit from this in Trinidad.

100 miles later...

• Give thanks for a safe arrival in Santa Cruz, not least for Craig and Andrew! About halfway to Santa Cruz, they pulled aside for an impromptu visit to the, er, bushes. It was soon clear that something was not right, with some very deep gurgling noises coming from the radiator. After giving it five minutes to ‘cool down’, Andrew unscrewed the lid, which, while he and Craig dived for cover from the torrent of scalding hot water, promptly shot off to who-knows-where. Incredibly, about 100 miles down the road, we were able to source a replacement lid (you can really find anything here). In the meantime, to maintain the pressure, an old pair of Craig’s boxers secured by one of Andrew’s shoelaces sufficed. An audition tape is in the post to Chris Evans as I write.

I could cope with this.

• Andrew and Ruth very kindly arranged for us all to stay in one of our favourite haunts in Santa Cruz, though a hotel we only tend to visit on very special occasions. In truth, our two days there proved to be just what we needed after weeks of a heavy workload and some very difficult issues back in Trinidad. We are rested and thankful.
• Above all, we are so thankful for Andrew and Ruth’s time with us over these past couple of weeks. Of course, they played a blinder with the marriage course, but they were an equally great blessing to us as a couple, helping us in any way necessary during their time with us, and always ready to lend some words of wisdom. As things were looking good for the prospective adoption of the girl earlier in the week, Ruth joked that they hadn’t realised they were coming to Trinidad to be surrogate grandparents. But in reality, they had established themselves as our own surrogate parents from very early on in their time here. We watched on with awe as they tirelessly applied themselves to the work, as they poured out their love on so many grateful couples, and as they approached every situation with prayer. Their example will linger long in the memory and we look forward to seeing them again some day soon.

We couldn't posisbly let them go home empty handed
either!

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig & Amanda