We may not have a connection to the local water supply, we may not
be blessed with the most conducive climate for home maintenance, and we may
have to ask foreign visitors to risk excess-baggage charges in order to get our
eager hands on some decent chocolate. But something we certainly do not lack is
encouragement from those who pray for, and give to, our ministry here. Hardly a
week goes by without a Facebook message or email containing something along the
lines of, ‘I think what you do is just wonderful, and you’re a great couple’.
Such missives, naturally, are greatly appreciated. But when we’re
repeatedly complimented on how ‘lovely’ or ‘special’ a couple we are, I’m
conscious of having perhaps created a false impression by not touching so much
on our failings on forums such as this. We are, of course, as fallen as anyone
else. And that, more often than not, plays itself out in our marriage.
We try not to give our marriage too much online visibility,
primarily from a sense of duty to friends who are single. But today I’ll be
making an exception at the end of a challenging week for us as a couple.
The simple fact is that, if you are a couple in ministry, then your
marriage is a core aspect – perhaps the
core aspect – of your ministry. That, of course, is not just the case on
far-flung mission stations; and it doesn’t just apply to ministry either.
Here, a monogamous, faithful marriage partnership is a powerful
witness in itself. The culture here, as many of you are aware, is simply
drenched in promiscuity. It is far from unusual for men to have two or even
three families on the go at once. Many of the youth and children who come to
church have more half-siblings than the genuine article. And – with grim
inevitability – all too often those same young people fall into the same traps
as their parents by playing with fire when they should be preparing for their
finals.
And so, when we turned up here in January 2010 and declared that we
weren’t going to be involved in youth ministry because our Spanish wasn’t good
enough, we were strongly encouraged to reconsider our position. The silent
witness of marital exclusivity was crucial.
Scripture also implies that marriages and the family unit are to be
protected and prioritised; and that is as true for those involved in the Lord’s
work as anyone else. Indeed, were it not for such teaching, I suspect that the
divorce rates of couples in full-time ministry would be fairly consistent with
the societal average.
Because Christian ministry, to a large extent, demands that we give
so much of ourselves; and – wouldn’t you know it – that’s just what is required
of us in marriage, too (Ephesians 5:22-30). We have found this to be
particularly true in a culture like this. We westerners are oftentimes too
proud to seek the help of others; it usually takes a genuine crisis for us to
allow ourselves to come to a position of dependence upon others. Not so here.
Asking for help is simply an accepted part of life. And so, when seemingly
successful people who look like they’ve got it all together come on the scene
(i.e., white missionaries!), then it is people like us who will be sought
after.
Yet it is not a culture in which you get much back either, in the
sense of affirmation and encouragement. I don’t fish for compliments, of course,
but having preached five sermons here so far, I can count the number of times I
received any kind of feedback on the
fingers of one hand. So it can become easy to get into a cycle of giving the
vast majority of your energies to those outside your marriage, even though the
returns are minimal at best.
And it took our coming to Bolivia for us to realise just how easily
one’s marriage can slip down the list of priorities – almost by default. When
Amanda ‘submits to’ the needs of colleagues, when Craig ‘gives himself up for’
church members in dire straits, by the time we get home, we all too often fall
into the trap of thinking we have nothing left to give. Or, we realise we gave
too much to others in the first place.
And so, sins of omission rather than commission tend to rear their
head. It becomes easier to talk about a tough situation with a person from our
work than to talk about each other and our own needs. It becomes easier to
stick a disc in the Blu-Ray player and laze on the couch than spend genuine
quality time with each other. It becomes easier to arrive at a dangerous place
of acceptance that, with so many needs to attend to, one’s marriage will simply
have to wait.
We are thankful that, as far as we can tell, this is something we
still refuse to accept. But suffice it to say that the past seven days have
revealed to us how neglectful we so often are of each other, how frequently we
take each other for granted, and how regularly the best of us is reserved for
the desk rather than the dinner table.
I can understand why the thought of ‘doing full-time ministry
together’ might appeal to couples, as much on a marital as a professional
level. If you feel you’re being called to it, embrace it. But be warned: in
such territory, you will most likely find a pinpoint-accurate diagnosis of – rather than a
cure for – your marriage.
Flawed though I am, my best friend is still here in the trenches
with me. I couldn’t do it without her. In the Lord’s strength, I hope to better
demonstrate my appreciation for her steadfastness.
Prayer
- For our marriage, particularly that it would be protected from any false notions of martyrdom on our part.
- Keep praying for Hernán, whose health has deteriorated a little over the last few days.
- For Craig as he preaches on 2 Peter 1:15-2:3 tomorrow morning.
- Pray for wisdom for Amanda and her fellow board members at Fundación Totaí, as they face difficult decisions.
Praise
- We now have the first batch (of many!) of our documents submitted in order to be registered to adopt. Give thanks for this, and pray for a positive outcome.
¡Que Dios les bendiga!
Craig & Amanda