All You Need Is Love?

My (Amanda's) opinions on adoption started when I was really young, maybe ten or twelve. I had read a series of books by a Canadian author named Kit Pearson about children who were sent from Britain to Canada during the Second World War and were fostered with Canadian families for their safety. During the war some of these children's families died and their Canadian foster families decided to adopt them and they never went back to Britain. This was my first exposure to the concept of adoption and I remembered being so moved by the love these Canadian families gave to these orphaned children. I remember going to my Dad and asking him if he would ever consider adoption and receiving not quite the positive response I was expecting. I also remember thinking, "Well, you're clearly wrong," and deciding that adoption was the most Christian thing we could ever do. 

I remember when I started dating Craig, being on a bus in Northern Ireland on our way to Dublin to visit my family there. I brought up adoption and asked if he had ever thought about it. He was completely spooked by my question and stumbled some answer that I can't remember, but was probably thinking in his head that he had one of those overly-clingy girlfriends who was already planning the wedding and their 2.5 kids. He probably thought he should ditch me then and there. Thankfully, he didn't. 

I remember struggling with infertility and feeling like a failure as a woman. I was unable to do the one thing that biologically women are designed to do and just wallowing in these feelings of uselessness. I remember mentally screaming at God, "What is my purpose if I can't have kids???" God was so gracious during that period as he very gently brought me to the realisation that my self-worth comes from my identity in Him not in my ability to have children (if you read my blog post on my experience with burnout, you will have noticed that I forgot this lesson of identity in Christ and God needed to re-teach it to me once again). He also reaffirmed to me that I would one day be a mother and my thoughts then moved to adoption once again. I had no problems with the concept of adopting, mainly because of that book series I read in childhood, and the thought of loving something that was not mine biologically didn't phase me one bit. I felt I had so much love to give and someone somewhere needed it. Craig had a different path to embracing adoption from that bus in Northern Ireland to becoming an adoptive father, and that's his story to share, but he now feels very passionate about the role of the church in facilitating and supporting adoption. We are adopted by God, so why should we not adopt others? 

I remember doing some research into adoption ethics and being confronted, for the first time, with the fact that a child might be better with their birth family living in poverty in the middle of the jungle, than with me, who has so much love to give and more resources to share. I remember feeling that it was unfair to all the infertile mothers who could do such a better job than some other ones and provide such better opportunities to children to not give them the chance. I remember having to work through a lot internally to accept that family restoration is best and adoption should be second best; recognising that my previous attitude was driven by my own hurt and suffering and not what was actually best for anybody. 

I remember meeting a married, Christian man who was unable to have children as well. We had just adopted Sam, and he was very much still in the baby phase and I lived constantly between the emotional highs and lows of new motherhood, but was absolutely over-the-moon with my new son. This man explained how adoption in the States tended to lean towards accepting children with special needs, whether that be physical, emotional or mental, and that he and his wife decided that they did not want to do that. I remember holding my son and thinking, "Who wouldn't chose this?" And yes, I wrongfully, internally, judged him. I thought, "Aren't we called to take care of the orphans among us if we can?" I mean, even if one can have children biologically, you can't guarantee that they are born healthy or 'normal'. That's just life. 

I now look back at all these memories on our adoption journey and feel really conflicted. I would absolutely, 100% do it again. I would make the same choices and Sam would be exactly where he is; with us. However, I also look back and think about how naive I was. I had this idea of what adoption was and it's not that my idea or conception of adoption was wrong, it's that adoption is a lot more complex than I thought. And whenever an issue becomes complex, having dogmatic statements or beliefs about it doesn't really work any more. I naively thought that enough love would fix any problems. Well, Craig and I are watching a video series from Texas Christian University's Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development, which explicitly states that for children from hard places (adopted, fostered, institutionalised, etc.) love is most definitely not enough. I learnt about the psychological concept of the 'good enough' parent; no one is perfect but parents just have to be 'good enough' to raise children. I naively thought that this concept could apply to me. Well, this video series again says that when dealing with adopted, fostered, etc, children you can't just be 'good enough', you have to be better than 'good enough'... way to pile on the pressure. 

Children like Sam, simply put, live with trauma. For whatever reason, they didn't receive the necessary affection and security they needed in their early life to develop normally. They learnt how to survive on their own and their brain is literally wired differently because of this. They have control issues, they have self-regulating issues, they have emotional mood swings, they have trouble understanding cause and effect, and they do not respond to traditional parenting because they already live in fear. They constantly fear that the affection they are now receiving might not be there one day. Some of them develop sensory input issues, a lot express their fear through anger and aggression and would rather be angry than calm, because being calm means a loss of control of the situation or letting their guard down. This is my child and I am so thankful that we now know why.

The video series calls these children "children from hard places", and I love how the definition is so inclusive and most definitely includes Sam. Watching the video series makes me really emotional because I see other kids acting out and doing the exact same things that Sam does and I don't feel so alone, and I know he is also not alone. 

We are right now discovering all this and seeking to make the necessary changes in our parenting style. It is an extremely sanctifying process, because you now don't have room to deal with your own baggage/tiredness/stress in a way that affects your child at all. The amount of patience needed is extreme and we are realising that we have to pray AT ALL TIMES; every time he has a meltdown, gets frustrated and we need to deal with it in our 'new' way, we have to pray, because the 'new' way does not come naturally and it definitely was not how I was parented, so I have no model to relate to. 

It also makes me miss my family a lot. We have made friends here who have been really supportive, and even introduced us to the resources we are using now. But I am struggling with feelings of guilt as I deprive my child of further unconditional love and support by living so far away from our family. I know that if Sam were playing with his cousin and had an outburst, that he and I would be safe from stares and judgement in the person of my sister. That she loves him regardless of his struggles and how that manifests in his life. I am struggling to let go of the desire to justify my son to everyone and say, "This is why he's like this!" I mean, this whole blog post could be construed as me continuing to justify my son to the world (though I think it's more than that). I want to get to the point where I am free from the fear of the people looking on and wondering, "Why?" as they observe him. Maybe I'll get there one day. Because I do also know that my kid is awesome! He has such a big heart. Yesterday, I was lying in bed having a rest and he brought his blankets from his room so I could be more comfortable. He constantly lists all the things that he loves and is always wanting to help. 

Overall, my opinion on adoption is generally the same, though a lot more complex as well. I am no longer naive in this process, but down in the trenches and I am happy to be there. I can say I still believe and am passionate about adoption, I believe in family restoration first and adoption second, and I believe in the importance of the role of the church in cultivating an atmosphere where adoption is encouraging and facilitated. However, I would now say that adoption is not for everyone and you should have a good long look at your life and character before considering it, and that everyone has the right to make that decision. And I most definitely agree with my Dad when he said all those years ago that he wouldn't adopt; probably a good call there. But thank you for raising me to be someone who could.

Here is Sam in traditional cochabambino dress at a recent
school event.

Prayer Points

• Last month we mentioned the impending visit of Joel Likins, from Ohio. We had a great time with Joel, getting to know him a lot better, and taking him to one of our favourite places in this area: Refugio Los Volcanes. He was a happy man.
• We were also visited by a former colleague of Craig's from Scotland, Steve Begarnie. Steve taught Biology at West Calder High School, Craig's last teaching stint before we came to Bolivia. He was here to visit a local school as well as tour this great country.
• Last month, Amanda also wrote in detail about the very sad recent passing of Edwin Fernández. Langham HQ were determined that the initial plans in Santa Cruz be realised, and we were blessed last weekend by the visit of Latin American director Igor Améstegui and national worker Freddy Huanca. They led a training course for future escuelita leaders here in Santa Cruz. From nothing, there are now up to 12 new preaching groups in the pipeline! There will be a 'Level 1' three-day workshop for all of the new groups in mid-September. Pray for the preparations for that event, in which Craig will be involved, and particularly for prayerful selection of new participants.
• We continue to see great blessing in the church. At the end of May we held a big churrasco (essentially an industrial-strength Bolivian barbecue) and it was great to see most of the church stay around for it after the service. In terms of preaching, Craig has recently begun a series in the Ten Commandments, which has been well received so far. And Amanda is part of a team looking to relaunch the children's ministry. Lots of exciting things to give thanks for.
• Pray for guidance from the Lord as we weigh up Sam's future educational options. He loves the nursery he attends now, which provides him with a full-scale pre-kindergarten programme, and we are delighted with the teaching and care he gets there. However, we have some big decisions to make as to his longer-term future.
• Finally, we are just a month away now from the arrival of a team from Mount Albert Bible Chapel in Ontario, who will be accompanying us as we travel back to...Trinidad! This was a longstanding engagement with a church we know well, planned some time before Craig got the nod for the Trinity pastorate. The church have very kindly allowed us to honour this commitment. Please pray for the visit of this team, who will be involved in children's ministry and other tasks around Fundación Totaí and the church.

Finally, some illustrative pictures:

The view from the top of an amazing climb with Joel Likins, at Refugio.

Saying cheerio to Steve Begarnie at the airport. 

Igor in action at the Santa Cruz escuelita coordinators' workshop.

Craig with Igor. The toppermost of top blokes.

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig & Amanda

Saturday Post -- 22/07/17

This time last week...a flat tyre, and an ominous start to the fishing trip (we
didn't cash too many fish either!)

Last weekend, just as they were growing in independence, and through no fault of their own, our workload with the team from Strathaven Evangelical Church grew considerably, due to a combination of a) one of their members falling ill and being admitted to a local private clinic; and b) a hastily-arranged fishing trip last Saturday morning! So, with all respect, a weekend blog entry was some way down our list of priorities.

However, the team excelled in its second week here, as it had in its first, and we bid them farewell on Monday morning, mightily impressed by their all-round attitude and maturity.

We have already waxed lyrical about this in more detail in an email sent out to members and attendees of said church. So with the church's kind permission, I'll reproduce, here, our 'closing thoughts'.

Aidan (16) takes charge of the Bible lesson at the five-day club. If you're
good enough, you're old enough!

We are writing this on Tuesday afternoon here, having bid our farewells to the team on Monday morning, and we know that the Kelly family, Mum and Sarah are only now boarding the final flight from London to Edinburgh. What extraordinary lengths they have gone to in order to come out here and build up the body of Christ!

And that is, indeed, the team’s legacy, one that is of great blessing, but also one which we by no means took for granted. During our seven years in Bolivia, we have hosted a whole range of volunteers – including a few non-Christian medical students who have come to add some overseas polish to their CVs. Yet even among the believing volunteers, there is no guarantee of the motivation or spiritual maturity required to bless others; we have often been taken aback at the amount of hand-holding and prodding required on our part.

Not so with this group. From day one, we were seriously impressed by their willingness to help wherever required, their genuine interest in the vast range of individuals with whom they came into contact, and, particularly, their love of our God and his great gospel which shone through every time they taught a Bible lesson, acted out a sketch – or, indeed, unfurled a banner!

The team's lucky providential mascot.

On both occasions that we sat down with the team earlier this year, we reiterated the ‘expect the unexpected’ mantra of developing world life! Having only arrived back in Bolivia ourselves five weeks ago, we, too, were re-learning this lesson. The team coped admirably with any such ‘setbacks’, demonstrating the required flexibility in the second week when illness sidelined Laurence for a few days.

This required a little more input from ourselves just at the point where the ‘SEC Seven’ were developing a little more independence, but of course, the team was never going to be left completely to its own devices, and we were happy to provide this support wherever possible. This is the first such group we have taken charge of, and we, too, will be looking to learn lessons and apply them accordingly, knowing that there is interest from some other churches for team visits in the future.

For now, though, we thank you, as a church, for taking this bold step of faith, and we give thanks to God for the team’s willingness to come down here and give such a godly example to all with whom they came into contact. Such walking, talking patterns of Christian maturity are sorely lacking in this culture, and besides anything else they accomplished – and did so with aplomb! – their mere presence here has had a tremendous impact for the gospel. At the same time, we dearly hope and pray that the fruits of this venture will be evidenced as much in Strathaven as in South America. What a stimulus to further such work it will be for the people of SEC to have these tangible reminders of the Great Commission in action, worshiping and serving among them! May the God of Peter and John, of Priscilla and Aquila, of Paul and Barnabas, spur you on to ever loftier heights of gospel-proclamation to the lost of this world. 

Last team picture, with apologies to Penny. A sur blew in on Monday
morning, bringing the temperatures down to Strathaven level: just in time!

Incredibly, the team's departure on Monday coincided with Sam's first day at nursery, with Grandma on hand to provide an extra pair of tear-ducts! Sam's class takes place from 8am till noon, but as it happens, new children are encouraged to start at an hour or so per day before gradually increasing till they reach the four-hour standard. So we were able to pick him up on the way to the airport with the rest of the team.

Brownie-points to the Cunningham-Kearons for their all-round stiffness of upper-lip at the school 'dropoff'; Amanda's ice-cold demeanour will surely generate a profit warning from Kleenex. As for the airport...well, we tried.

"I've got this."

But, as we anticipated, Sam has gone from strength to strength since Monday. He was asked to stay for two hours on Tuesday, and put in the same shift for the rest of the week, with seemingly no issues. Each day, one of his two teachers has brought him to us at the school entrance and his face has positively beamed! While he's happy to see us in those moments, he's also clearly thriving on the company (he's also been noticeably less demanding with us, too; seems like going and playing with someone your own age really makes a difference after all).

At the same time, it's afforded Mum and Dad the opportunity to get back to the day-job, with Amanda returning to various administrative duties at the Foundation, while I've been hammering out my first sermon proper (after stepping in for poor Laurence with a microwaved effort on Sunday), teaching the Bible Study on Sunday, and seeing to various other church affairs.

You like that?

Finally, amongst all the hubbub of the team's visit, we had the great privilege of hosting a barbecue to mark our tenth anniversary in the late afternoon of Sunday the 9th; with a mere 60 people in attendance, and the mosquitos kicking in at full force around 6pm, we somehow managed to squeeze them all in to our living room as darkness descended! Note to self: make it a lunch next time!

A few words from Craig pre-dinner.

And speaking of la vida carnívora, some friends of ours are hosting a pig-roast for lunch today (as in, a full pig is currently in the process of getting roasted; Paul McCartney, look away now). Best get moving.

Prayer

• There were a few issues for the team on their return journey, with connections being missed, and bags not turning up, including Craig's Mum's, which seems to be lost for the moment. Prayer appreciated.
• Pray for wisdom for both of us in tackling one or two difficult issues in the church and at FT.
• Pray for Sam this week as he begins the full shift at nursery.

Praise

• Give thanks for the visit of the SEC team, and pray for the lasting impact of their time in Bolivia, both here and back in Scotland.
• We're so thankful for how well Sam's first week at school has gone.

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig & Amanda

Saturday Post -- 08/07/17

I have a little time to share a quick update; we are busy, but we know people are always keen to get our news, and that will especially be the case this weekend for those from a certain corner of the west of Scotland.

The team from Strathaven Evangelical Church have been here now for a week, and their contribution has been immensely positive. After the usual long journey here, they arrived last Saturday morning, used the weekend to re-charge the batteries, and from Monday onwards got stuck right in.

(Special mention to team members Sarah and, er, ‘Mum’, who, under no obligation whatsoever, came along with us to a wedding on Saturday evening. It began around 10pm, and we didn’t leave till 1am. Bear in mind that British Summer Time is five hours ahead and you can perhaps grasp the scale of that achievement!)

Sunday was a real bonus, in that our church friends had organised two separate events outside of the regular morning service. Kenny & Claudia Holt (back from the old country for a two-week visit) hosted a barbecue at lunchtime, while another couple put on a baby shower in the afternoon, with the invitations extended to that most un-baby shower of species: men. There were ample opportunities, then, for the team to meet – or, in Mum’s case, catch up with – many of our friends and fellow workers here, and it was obviously a great little introduction to the culture here.

Bunch of drama queens (and kings).

The first couple of weeks of July are the mid-year school holidays here, and the team’s main remit this first week has been to participate in the five-day club, organised annually by FT’s sports area. The five-day club meets in a local school, and is a combination of games, praise times, evangelistic Bible lessons and group work. Every day this week, the team performed a five-minute sketch (mimed, of course!) to illustrate the main point of the day’s lesson. The team have come up with these themselves, and they have been really powerful enactments of the gospel message, yet simple enough for young children to grasp.

As is usually the case at these clubs, the group times have included the completion of a worksheet. But this time, the team members also prepared five craft activities, meaning the children could go home every day with a tangible reminder of the day’s theme.

The headline reads: 'Holidays are more fun with Fundación
Totaí'. The caption reads, 'Guitarist Craig Cunningham
demonstrated why so many have dubbed him this
century's Jimmy Page' (that's a fib).

Their contribution, in short, was immense, and was even recognised in the local press! A father of some children in attendance happened to be a scribbler with the Trinidad daily newspaper, and spent some time talking to some of the Bolivian team members on Thursday. Yesterday, just before we left, he turned up with a copy of yesterday’s edition, with a page dedicated to the five-day club and a particular emphasis on the Scottish angle.

The five-day clubs have taken place in the mornings, and the team have used the rest of the days here to read the Bible together, prepare for the next day’s activities, or just hang out with the locals (Mum, it emerges, plays basketball). They will be teaching the main lesson at the church’s children’s ministry this afternoon, and next week will see them branch out into other areas of Foundation and church’s ministry.

We are passionate about welcoming volunteers here, though it can be a lot of work. It is particularly encouraging, then, when a group arrives with their sleeves already rolled up, and a willingness to serve wherever needed. It has been a pleasure to serve with them this week, and our prayer is that the impact of their time here would be felt for many years both here in Bolivia and, we pray, back in sunny Strathaven.

Sam warms up for next week (!) as he explores the surroundings at the
five-day club with friend, Kenny.

Prayer

• As ever, Sam has coped admirably with the unique demands of this week, but has come down with a fever in the last day or two. Pray for a swift recovery.
• Pray for the children in attendance at the five-day club, that the gospel message they heard this week would be received with gladness.
• Pray for the team in their second (and final) week here.

Praise

• Yesterday, incredibly, was our tenth anniversary! God has been faithful.
• And when our twentieth rolls around, God-willing, Mauro and Mily, a young couple from our church, will be celebrating the same milestone. Theirs was the aforementioned wedding last Saturday evening, at which Craig officiated. Very few people actually get married in this culture, so give thanks for the powerful witness of this to their friends and family, and the great encouragement we feel as a church.
• We have also been really blessed by our time with various ex-missionary friends who have been in town for that self-same wedding. Our old friends Maicol & KC, with their son Caleb, are staying with us until mid-August.
• Give thanks for the team, their impact, and their own spiritual growth this week.

The day ends over Laguna Suárez, Tuesday.

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig & Amanda

Saturday post -- 24/06/17

After a full week back in Trinidad, we’re enjoying being home and having a more settled family life again (how many people have to come all the way to Bolivia to do that?!). The house increasingly resembles our home (i.e., the mess is ours and not someone else’s) and we’ve been able to catch up with a good number of friends and colleagues, with some very initial conversations about ministry thrown in. Furthermore, Craig was able to tie up the paperwork on the car’s registration yesterday, after a week spent mostly driving from one office to the next; we sure haven’t missed Bolivian bureaucracy.

More on the present-day in the prayer points, below. For now, time to pick up where I left off last week, with a little more detail as to our prospects this time around.

Craig: Building a Church

As 2016 drew to a close, we were making our preparations to leave Trinidad and begin our journey back to Scotland for home assignment. Meanwhile, our former pastor, Elías, was preparing to step down from his position, according to a timetable agreed some months earlier. So I have known for some time now that this new term in Bolivia is likely to see my church commitments increase and intensify.

Elías was preaching about twice a month and teaching Bible studies every other Thursday. He was also at the forefront of visitation and represented the church at a local level. My workload in all of these areas was somewhat lighter, and is now likely to pick up considerably. This will be particularly pronounced in the first few months, as the other elder, Miguel Ángel, has asked to step back himself from the pulpit until the end of the year.

Though I will be taking on a lot more of the pastoral load, I will not be assuming the title of ‘pastor’ any time soon. Our vision, as ever, is for the Bolivians to gradually assume the work that the missionaries began – not just ourselves, but those other couples who have gone before us. Having a foreigner take on the role of pastor would surely hinder such progress, especially in a culture which is at times has no qualms about putting its feet up while other people get their hands dirty.

Moreover, our church has always been a very collaborative enterprise, and we have been delighted in the past week or so to hear about the great strides that have been made in gospel ministry, driven primarily by the laity. We may come to a point where we wish to appoint a pastor again, but for now (not least in a church with strong Brethren roots), we are happy to see how things progress, and I will be delighted to play my own part in this.

However, along with the additions will have to come subtractions, particularly if we are to live by the principles mentioned here last weekend. I have prayerfully decided to step back from youth ministry for the time being (though I will continue to disciple individuals in the group), and I will be winding down my responsibilities in the music ministry, with the aim of stepping down in January. Against my better instincts, I resurrected the English classes last year as a way of raising funds for Fundación Totaí. Well, by and large, it turned out my instincts were on to something; they, too, will be shelved.

Other jobs will continue for now, including my supporter communications work for FT and overseeing Langham Trinidad, which has also made great strides in my absence – a recurring, and humbling, theme developing there.

Amanda: Becoming more of a people person

As long-time readers will be aware, Amanda’s main role for her first few years here was as an audiologist at FT. She loved the work, but felt the door was closing on it by the time we had our first home assignment in 2014. During that year, God directed her towards the work of human resources in the Foundation, to which she dedicated a great deal of time and energy.

Above all, though, Amanda had planned on using the HR position as a way of getting alongside staff members on a pastoral level, and deepening relationships with them; several of our health staff are not yet believers, and most face challenging circumstances at home. While there were occasional opportunities in this area, Amanda largely found that it was hard to make great headway due to the copious paperwork that her role also entailed; naturally, Sam’s arrival complicated things here too.

Well our last home assignment saw FT’s new Director of Administration, Hernán, take on the HR role as part of his own work, and we prayed that there might be scope upon our return for Amanda to leave that with him permanently with a view to a greater pastoral care focus. Hernán and FT’s board members feel the need for this too, and they have been delighted to let Amanda go ahead with this.

She will essentially be making up her role as she goes along, but her goal is to be a presence in the Foundation as much as possible and to spend meaningful time with staff and patients; a ‘prayer room’ for patients has been a dream of ours for some time, and Amanda will finally be free to get this up and running at the Foundation with those patients who wish to be prayed for.

Like me, Amanda hopes to do some more discipleship work with youngsters in the church, and she will continue to support the work of the youth ministry – though this is, again, an area where she has been able to relinquish the role of leader since we have been away.

Sam: “Ring ring” goes the bell

“Hang about!,” I hear you cry, “I thought you guys had no time these days because of that Energizer Bunny also known as your son.” And in this you would be right: indeed we did not.

However, the decibel levels round here are about to take something of a downturn, as Sam sets off on his latest adventure: Day Care.

If you’ve met Sam, you will know just what a sociable little boy he is, and we’ve long felt his need of companionship, particularly of children his own age. Not least as Mummy & Daddy are running out of ideas fast: there are really only so many times you can play chucking-toys-up-the-stairs-then-back-down-again before even Sam starts looking at his watch.

The day care Sam will be attending feeds into a local school, and takes place on weekday mornings. In other words, by sheer coincidence, Sam will be otherwise occupied at the time of the week when we are generally at our busiest (this also paves the way for the aforementioned Monday morning ‘date nights’).

In all seriousness, while we are a touch nervous about dropping His Lordship back into the Spanish-language deep end, we are delighted to afford him the opportunity to spend more time with other little people, and get to grips with the accompanying social skills. We’re sure he’ll have a great time.

Meanwhile, of course, we hope to see him cement already-existing relationships with our friends and our church community here. Last Sunday morning, in church, he danced incessantly while the band played, and we pray that his joy in the Lord would only grow in the coming years.

Prayer

• For patience, wisdom and self-discipline as we seek to put these plans into action.
• Next weekend sees the wedding of a young woman who has grown up in the church and is well known and loved by many who are associated with this place. Consequently, a veritable horde is making its way here over the coming week, including several ex-missionaries. Pray for safe travels for all.
• Said horde will also include a seven-strong team from Strathaven Evangelical Church (including Craig’s Mum), who are due to arrive here next Saturday morning for two weeks. Pray for preparations for this visit, for the team and for ourselves.

Praise

• For progress this week on little jobs like the car documentation and the house.
• For great encouragement in catching up with old friends and learning of so many positive developments over the last six months, both at institutional and individual levels.

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig & Amanda