Saturday Post -- 22/08/2015

Ministry provides frequent opportunities for self-reflection, and I (Amanda) have found myself doing a lot of reflecting this week; so much so that I even thought, I wonder if I could get a blog entry out of all these reflections?!?! Craig then asks me last night if I wanted to switch (grocery shopping for blog writing) and I thought it must be fate... otherwise known as divine intervention. 

I've thought a lot about who I am this week, or maybe even for the last couple of months, and I've come to the conclusion that my personality is quite complex, and that I've inadvertently overcomplicated my life because of that. I am generally a perfectionist, yet at the exact some time I'm a procrastinator and can be quite lazy. This was not a problem for me when I was a kid or in high school, because things generally came easily to me. I could leave things to the last minute and still ace a test or a project. University was a bit harder, which led to learning to cope with intense amounts of stress for the first time in my life. And then life got even harder, because I got married... and then I got a job; from this point I was generally coping. But then ministry came along, and if anything ever held a mirror up to me and said, "take a good look at who you really are", ministry has done that for me. Suddenly I can't get by with procrastinating, yet after 30 years I'm not entirely sure how to live otherwise. Suddenly, laziness doesn't fly, but I don't know how to move faster. I am doing so much more, and my perfectionist nature demands I do everyone perfectly, but doing so much more than I am used to means things are not getting done perfectly. I have discovered that my own personality has set me up for a giant failure; I generally feel underprepared, extremely exhausted and disappointed in my own results. My personal struggles with inadequacy overwhelm me sometimes. 

On top of that, I don't know what I want, or should want. We are on the edge of adopting a child and I have bounced between highly excited and absolutely terrified this week. I am not scared of being a mother necessarily, but I am daunted by the change that is coming. Craig and I have been just the two of us for so long, what do we look like with a child? I have worked in a job for my entire adult life, and probably unhealthily defined myself by what I am doing, as opposed to who I am. If I am not working like I am now, who will I be? Will I recognise myself? These questions paralyse me sometimes. Craig and I were both raised by wonderful women who stayed at home for the formative years of our lives, and we both believe in the importance of a constant parental presence. But I love what I do. I am good at what I do. I believe God has led me to do what I am currently doing. I want to keep working, at least a bit, when we have a child. And yet, should I? I completely love and respect so many full-time mothers...I really do. However, I read blogs and articles, and to be honest, I sometimes feel even more inadequate (see inadequacy issues above) because I feel I should want to be like them, and part of me does, but part of me doesn't. I feel torn most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if we should just keep going the way we are now and not risk the change of adoption, but then I realise that that is my fear talking. We both feel very strongly about the importance of adoption in our personal lives, and in the lives of all Christians. We believe God is calling us to this. So where does this leave me? A big, flustered mess most of the time. 

I'm not entirely sure how I got to this point, but somewhere along the way life has overwhelmed me. I feel like I am always chasing my tail and trying to hide how completely inept I feel all the time. And I am even more frustrated because I know I don't need to feel this way. There is freedom from my inadequacy in Christ. All this week the theme of rest has come back to me over and over again; and not the, 'I need to sleep more' kind, although that would be nice too. The theme of rest in Christ has rung clearly in my ears. I have finally started Vaughan Roberts' 'God's Big Picture' and in chapter one he talks about how we were created to rest in God. God rested on the seventh day and that was supposed to be how things continued from that point. I read aholyexperience.com blog entries from time to time and there was a recent post about resting in God and living in the moment. There have been blog posts on counting our blessings and developing an attitude of peace through gratitude. And I have started a nine day devotional on 'Finding a Work Life Balance', because I know I don't have one, and day one was about how the concept of a work/life balance is not actually biblical. Work, rest, play, sleeping and eating = life. What we see in the life of Jesus are rhythms of work, rest and celebration and all these things add up to life. 

I see the lesson God is trying to teach me, but my frustrating personality keeps getting in the way. Because every time I try to change something it becomes another thing on the to-do list to try and achieve by myself. Resting becomes something to tick off my list once done, not an attitude to apply to my whole life. And to be completely honest, I am not quite sure how to go about changing that quite yet. I am not there. To be fair, due to my extensive self-reflection I can say with confidence that I have identified the problems (1. incorrect perception of the role of rest in my life, 2. unhealthy fixation on my inadequacies), but I don't know how to fix it. How do I rest more without becoming lazy and still be as productive as I need to be? How do I love myself more? How do I live in the light of God's love for me when I can't comprehend truly that He loves me? I know God loves me, but I don't think I let it truly affect how I live. 

These have been my swirling thoughts and struggles this week in the midst of HR work, volunteers leaving (Bye Brittany, Hayley and Juliana), correspondence, youth group meetings, Bible studies, discipleship and good old housework...and when the car wouldn't start and then miraculously did again. Craig has been a solid rock this week as he's helped me cope with, let's be honest, slightly hormonal ravings and some tears. But life keeps going regardless of one's inward struggles and we have both seen many blessings this week and are grateful to God for the all the ways He upholds us. 

Prayer

• Wisdom for Craig in his role as a leader of our church. This coming Wednesday is the next leader's meeting and they will be dealing with some logistical as well as personal issues in our church.
• Hayley, Brittany and Juliana as they settle back into University life in Seattle. 
• Patience as we wait on God's timing for a child.
• Peace in Amanda's life as she works through a lot of the above struggles.
• Craig as he preaches tomorrow on 1 Kings 8:54 - 9:9.

Praise

• For the time we spent getting to now the three volunteers from the States. We are grateful for their friendship and efforts they showed here while working with us.
• For the encouragement that the Dig Deeper study has been in the church.

¡Que Dios les bendiga!

Craig and Amanda