Where did I go?

Craig has promised something of a series on life in Santa Cruz and all the differences we are encountering. However, he then asked me to write the blog this week and I (Amanda) thought, "Ya, I don't really want to do that...", so let's do something else. Actually, I have been meaning to sit down and write this blog post for some time; I've been actively thinking about it for about two months now, so it is high time I put on my big girl pants and try and explain where I've been. And I mean that in every way possible: physically, mentally and emotionally.

The keen observers among you will have noticed that I have not written a blog in a very, very, very long time, like maybe 18 months, and that is because I have been 'burnt out' or 'compassion fatigued', or as my therapist in Scotland liked to call it 'whatever you want to call it'. For those of you who are supporters of ours, you will know that in January, 2018 I was diagnosed with burnout and we went home as a family to Scotland for six months on medical leave. I am sure Craig wrote some blogs about it or at least he explained the practicalities of why were going home and how we wouldn't be posting for six months, but I didn't feel I was in a place where I could sit down and explain to you what I was feeling or experiencing. And the truth is I am still not entirely sure what I am going to say. We will have to see how this post unfolds as it goes, because the last 18 months have been too intense and immense to communicate accurately.

Firstly, I really struggled with accepting that I had a problem. I like to think of myself as a very open person. I will share pretty much anything about my life with others. You want to hear about our infertility experience, adoption experience, my depression-and-anxiety-during-university experience, growing up in suburban Ontario experience? Sure, no problem. But for some reason, despite knowing and believing what I do about mental health, I couldn't bring myself to ask for help. I couldn't bring myself to admit to myself that there was a problem. I believed that I could just push through the increased fatigue, lack of patience with others, irritation with everything, poor work quality, etc. And then one day I just couldn't any more, and I got into bed and I barely left it for six weeks. I stuck the label 'depression' on the situation because it was the only thing it could be, and I just hid. And I didn't want anybody to know. Craig pushed hard to get professional help and after a while I gave in and we had a interview over Skype with psychologists with the Missionary Health Institute in Toronto and at the end I was diagnosed with burnout/compassion fatigue, which caused me to go into a spiral of denial. This can't be! Not me! Because in my mind burnout was the thing that failed missionaries got. I was not, and never was going to be, a failure! They advised us to leave the field for a minimum of six months; Craig's reaction was, "OK, let's get flights booked," and my reaction was, "No way. You can't make me go." Inside I was thinking, "There is no way I am letting the entire world know I've failed like this." Obviously, I lost and we went home, and thus started the process of 'getting better'.

I don't even know what to say now, as a play-by-play of our six months in Scotland would be thoroughly boring and depressing. 'I stayed in bed all day and I cried a lot' would sum those six months up well. I understand that burnout is probably experienced differently by different people and the symptoms people have vary in both type and severity. I think the best way to describe burnout for me is a complete loss of self. I went from being a very 'A' type person to being someone else entirely; someone who has trouble getting out of bed, or looking after their own child. And, for me, this came with a lot of self-recrimination. I actually shouted at Craig lots of times, "I hate myself!" And 18 months later, sometimes I still do.

My main problem was that I was trained to see value only in tangible achievement, so when I was achieving nothing, I saw myself as having no value. I also realised that this mentality had infiltrated my spiritual life, which caused me to be unable to understand and accept God's unconditional love. I was working for everything: God's love, people's love, self respect, unrealistic, imagined expectations, and I worked myself so hard, I broke myself... permanently.

You might think that saying 'permanent' is being drastic, but it's true. Something I had to learn very quickly, with the help of my wonderful therapist, is that there is no going back. I was not on a six month journey of 'getting better', where I would reach this imagined milestone where I could suddenly do everything I could do before. There was no 'getting better'; there was learning to accept me the way I was. Craig and I started calling it our 'new normal'; learning to live in the 'new normal'. And it was hard, because I did not like the new normal at all. I didn't like my new limitations that caused me to be resting in bed a lot. I could make dinner, but only if I spent the afternoon in bed resting in anticipation of the future travails of cooking in the kitchen. I could go to church on Sunday, but I would be bed bound on Monday. And under no circumstances was I in a position to watch my own child by myself for extended periods of time. You can only guess how that made me feel as a mother.

I now know that I am never going to see the old me again. That might sound like an exaggeration, but it's not. My energy levels are continuing to increase, slowly but surely, and I am doing way more now then I was doing 18 months ago, or six months ago, and being in Santa Cruz, where I have access to things that help me recharge, has been such a blessing, but I am never going to be Amanda pre-burnout again. Why? 1) I don't think my energy levels will ever get back there; they are getting better, but I don't think they will peak that high again. 2) The experience was so traumatising that I think I have an innate fear-response to pushing myself that hard again, which some might called learned wisdom. I can't even call myself 'Amanda post-burnout' as I am still navigating those waters. Sometimes I have glimpses of the Amanda I used to be, but those glimpses cost me in recovery time in bed and my life is this constant balance of being able to do and not being able to do.

And I am working on the self-loathing. My new internal mantra is 'Be kind to myself." And I have people in my life who are trying to keep me accountable with that. I would say the self loathing is down to periodic episodes of self dislike, because I know now my value does not come from what I do, but who I am in Christ. However, sometimes there is a voice in my ear whispering about how pathetic it is that I can't do something and I have to remember, "Be kind to myself, be kind to myself, be kind to myself," over and over.  Most of the time I am happy to just be able to be doing what I am doing now, remembering last year when I couldn't even do that, and praising God that He has brought us so far in the last year. But the struggle is real.

And the truth is, I know that Amanda post-burnout, whenever she arrives, is going to be a better version of me. And while, sometimes, I find this hard to believe, I know the truth is that I am and will be a wiser person because of this experience. I have learnt about the wisdom and importance of self-care. I have learnt that real love is sacrifice, but we cannot sacrifice for others if we cannot get out of bed. Investing in myself is not selfish, it is a way that I can invest in others for the long term. And so many missionaries need to hear this message, because the weight of the expectations we are putting on ourselves is intense. Being told by others and being encouraged to self-care has to be a fundamental component of any type of ministry/service; this includes missionaries, but any type of service requires self-care, such as pastoring a church, volunteering, teaching, parenthood, etc. The truth is I am quite passionate about the subject now, I always talk about it to people. I want to know if others are taking care of themselves, practicing self-care, because I want to prevent everyone and their brother from experiencing what I went through/am going through. Any health care provider will tell you that good health care focuses on prevention, not just curing illnesses and healing injuries. That is way vaccines and yearly check ups are so important. The same principle applies in ministry; let us know and practice member-care to those who serve in ministry in a preventative way, not just managing one crisis after the other.

And for those of you who are panicking now about how bad of a state I am in, and what are we doing on the field... you can relax. I could go on about all the things that I am doing once again, but I feel that would go against my trying not to derive value from my achievements. You just have to believe that when I say I am fine, I really am... not like 18 months ago, when I said I was fine and I was lying through my teeth. 😊

Here's some pictures of Sam to make everyone feel better after the drama:

Prayer:

• Craig is preparing for his first Easter Service with Trinity International Church. Please pray for him as he prepares for both the Good Friday service and the Easter Sunday service. 
• We have an interview in two days (this Monday) with Santa Cruz Christian Learning Centre for  Sam's hopeful admission in September. Pray that he feels open enough to communicate during this interview as they need to know he can speak English, but sometimes he has performance anxiety. 
• Amanda has to travel to Trinidad for Foundation Totai's General Assembly this week and then come straight back for Sam's birthday party. Pray for safety in travel and for energy for all these things happening so close together. 

Praise:

• Sam had academic testing this week in his Bolivian pre-K class and we think he did well. At least he got a good report for the language portion as he definitely knows his Spanish vowels. As to what they tested for during the social sciences section I have no idea, but he got through the whole week. 
• We have our car back after three weeks in the garage. Praise God for the provision of a loaner vehicle during this time. 

¡Que Dios les bendiga!